I worked something out the other day. I won't finish University until 2029 at the earliest. Let me explain, the earliest I'll start engineering is mid-next year (2025), and then the degree lasts at least four years after that. That's assuming that I stick it out, which I probably will, or if I decide to take a year studying overseas and it pushes back that date i.e. Japan. So I'll still be in school until the end of the decade and will be in my mid-20s. Which to be honest is fine. I think there are loads of people who are in the same boat as me, but it's still scary.
I remember when I was younger, 2022 and finishing high school felt like a lifetime away. But when it came time to say goodbye, I could hardly believe it. It's been two years next week since I finished high school but it felt like yesterday, at the same time it also felt like another life I had. It might be because so much has happened to me in these last two years, that it's been so much that I haven't had the time to stop and take in what's happening. I've already come to the end of my first year of university, and I've only felt like I've just gotten into it. If these last two years mean anything, then the run into 2029 will be quick, right?
But that's what I'm scared about, even though it feels like ages away, I did the same with high school. But life is only getting quicker. I'm getting busy as I get older and starting to understand why adults always complain about time. And it's only going to get worse. I'm worried that my life will just flash before my eyes, and it will be over. As time goes on it speeds up and passes me by, and I begin to lose parts of myself to the past. For instance, the reason I love K-On! so much because it reminded me of how the end of high school felt, and I helped through that tough period of my life last year. But what if I lose those memories, those initial feelings that led me to love K-On! so much?
Now being able to connect with a high school anime isn't the problem, but it still shows my issue. I'm worried about time eroding away who I am, that time passes so fast that I lose myself to it. That while 2029 looks far away, in fact it's just around the corner. That I'll spend all my time worrying about the future, that I'll miss what going on right now. I'll miss out on my early 20s in the same way I missed out on my teens. That I keep worrying about time, that I'll run out of it.
Alright, I've said a lot of things, let's clean things up. As I've gotten older, I've come to realise that time isn't on my side, that I'll be in university for the next five-ish years, but it'll go by in the blink of an eye. I'm worried that I'll miss out on today, because I'm worried about tomorrow, wasting the last few years of my youth as I did in my teens. That time will erode who I am, and I'll lose what made me, me.
Well, I know one way to sum this problem up. I'm afraid of growing up. And it's finally hitting me that it's happening to me. This problem I have with the future, and missing out on the present is a grown-up problem, not some petty high school crap. The problem with this is that I don't have the answer, to be honest, I don't think anyone has the answer to this problem. It's the same with finding a purpose, it's something we all have to figure out on our own. For now, all I can do is make the most of right now. It's all I can do. Save and go on stupid trips to Japan, study hard and learn as much as I can, spend time and make as many friends as I can, try and find love, buy as much stupid K-On! stuff as I can afford, and yes continue to post here. Because this is my ultimate answer to my time problem. This place. Here I always have somewhere to talk, somewhere to show off dumb stuff and talk about what happens in my life. But most importantly, when this period of my life is over. I'll always have a place to look back at it. To look back upon the most important time in my life, the time when I grew up.
See ya
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