I've had this thought this past week or so, It's I guess I've been thinking about it for the past twoish years. Having people in your life is really, and I mean REALLY important. I'll be honest with you all, I've crept back into my shell these last two months. Last semester I thought I was making some real progress. Like I was actually meeting new people every week, and I was kinda enjoying myself. But since the start of this semester, I've haven't talked to anyone. I kinda spoke about this in my state of the union post, but it wasn't just the labor people I've ghosted. I can't atchally tell you why I've done this, I think might have to do with my revalation in the break, but that might just be a deflection. The real reason is because I havn't continued to put in the effort. I rushed into it and burned out. Thats the other big thing I've learned its that you need to put in the effort to meet with people. I think its easy to talk to people while in school, you see the same people everyday and spend all day with them. Now you have to make time to see them, and I'm not going to lie its been very hard for me. I always thought that I would have a hard time transiting in the real world. During our school holidays I usually ghosted my school friends, and never talked to them. I always needed that push school provided. I kinda knew I would be like this too, I remember having this deep, sick felling in my gut about it. I also never hung out with them afterschool too. I always felt too afraid, like I was doing something wrong. Its my biggest regret in life, not a day goes by when I don't think about it. You just get used to the daily life of school, thinking that you can always do something different next year. That I'll start hanging out with them when I'm older, or next term. Then all of a sudden its all over. I remember towards the end of my last year, I had this horrible thought, that I wasted my life. That I hadn't made the most of my teen years, I brushed it off as nothing, but its lingered ever since. After school, when everyone was just hanging out doing nothing, I was working full time and missed out. Watching everyone hangout and party sucked. Now I'm at uni doing the something again. I'm missing out on the best years of my life. I don't know what to do. I hate myself for it. Insted of telling anyone about my day, or the shows or games I like, all I have is this blog. Like no one is reading this, this just goes out into the void like every other blog. It need to stop. I know its hard for me, and that its not my fault that I have autism. But I need to push though it. I keep thinking that everyone will hate me for some reason, that I'll lose my composure and end up losing everything. But I need to push past that, otherwise I'll waste precious time again.
I'm watching the career episode of K-On right now, its ways a relatiable one for me. I really didn't know what I wanted to do at the end of high school. So seeing the characters go though the same thing is nice. I know they aren't real, but its nice to know other people in the real world are the same as me. I find comfort in the shows depiction of it, where the characters don't fully know their futures yet, but will figure them out evenly, but going out and exploring the world. That you need to take you time with like, not rush into things. It helped me a lot last year, and fueled my motivation going into this year. I just need that motivation and courage for meeting people to come back. I need to get back to meeting friends, but I can't rush into it. Otherwise I'll burnout and crawl back into my shell.
See ya
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