Do you ever get the jitters before school? Anything really, it was the main reason I quit uni last year. Just scared before I started you know? I know I haven't spoken in a while, so let's chat.
Last time, when I quit, I blamed myself. Thought I was just a coward for giving up when the going would get tough. I blamed and hated myself for it. This spiral leads me down this path I'm on now. This blog, anime, and K-On! were all products of that choice last February. Good or bad, I wouldn't be the person I am right now without that decision, and there's no point in wondering what could have been.
But what if I was right.
What if that split decision by a scared kid fresh out of high school wasn't out of cowardice, but something more. I may have been alluding to this for the past few months, but I've been thinking about life a lot more lately, especially what I'm going to do in it considering my Autism. Now look, I hate complaining about his stuff, it just sounds like I'm complaining about how hard my life is when it really isn't. This is just something that's playing a lot in my mind right now. It has become more apparent to me how much Autism will affect my life, to be honest, I broke down last week over it. Nothing major honestly, it that the end of that childish view of the world, when reality finally came down on me. Nothing surprising though, I'll already spoke of this back in one of my uni posts from a few weeks ago. I've already decided to switch to something math-related. However, some details I think have changed.
I came to the realisation on my Japan trip that I'm not ready for real life, more than that I'm not ready to go away just yet. I just don't think I can function by myself yet, and I'm scared if that's just my age, or it's how I'll always be because of my autism. Honestly, that was probably the catalyst for these thoughts I've been having, it just all came out last week. It's too hard to describe honestly. Although every definitely has gone through something like this. But for me, I just get so frustrated and overwhelmed it's like the world around me is collapsing in on me. Once I get a little bit overwhelmed, it violently ramps up. Until every little thing eats at me and sets me off. I've always been this way, but the scary thing is I don't know if gets worse as I'm getting older.
Look this is a mess, I'll probably outline my thoughts more soon, probably in more than one post too. The TLDR is I'm still scared about the future, like usual.
See ya
No comments:
Post a Comment