What do I want?

I can't shake this feeling, it's weird to describe it, this emptiness. Maybe it's because I'm just tired, I was up until 1am studying. But I don't think it is, I had this feeling for a year now, probably more. This feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and nostalgia. It's melancholic. I know I bring up anime and films a lot, but it helps to describe things. Most of these feelings I had for years, but all came to the forefront mid-last year after watching the wind rises. It changed everything. No singular thing has such an impact on my life as that film did. Its main theme of just living made me question everything I ever wanted, and since then I've been searching for something, but I just don't know what it is I'm looking for. What it is I'm missing. I tried to convince myself that it was uni that I was missing, but it just wasn't it. I know people spend their lives looking for a purpose,  what am I supposed to do. Where do I go? I know I said I was looking at spending a few months in Japan next year, maybe that might help, hell who knows. 

I don't know what it is that I want. I don't think anyone really knows. But I have realised one thing. I cannot keep going on trying to relive the past. I can't keep thinking about what my life was like a few years ago. Not just now, but when I'm older too. I think we always look back to the past fondly, and end up missing what's going on right now. It just passes us by.

I might not know what I want, I don't think many do. But I'll just have to keep searching for it. 

See ya

I was listening to raspberry heaven at the train station when I wrote this. You get these types of thoughts when you're just sitting around