This post was initially called "Maybe I was never that good," to be clear I don't really feel that way, well sometimes I do. I don't know what's wrong with me, I want to work hard, but I don't know what for. I am directionless, lost without a purpose. It doesn't help that everyone around me knows what they want, but I don't, or they don't and their just good at lying. The internet doesn't help, either you're a loser without a job who sits around doing nothing, or you're a loser without a job with a gaint student debt. To be clear here, I'm talking about my university degree, I've already stated that I don't want to do history anymore, but I don't know if that's out of genuine distance for the work, fear for the career it won't bring me, or sheer laziness. I stumbled through my final essay and definitely failed it, but I just did not want to do it. I had no interest in it, but this was my supposed career choice? shouldn't I have loved it? But isn't it fine that I don't, and instead try and find something I want to do instead? I don't want to waste money on something I hate doing? Or should I stick it out, and maybe I don't don't like how there are people who are better than me at University? But then again I never really was the best in my class. Ergo my original statement, "Maybe I was never that good."
I like to think we think were the best at something when were clearly not. Like how most people think their an above average driver. I've always tried to ground myself, however, I'm definitely not immune to this illness. To be honest, this blog is a symbol of the ego I and many others have, I literally think my problems are worth writing on the public internet for everyone to see. In school it's easy to think like this, you probably only around 100 people a day, who are around the same age, and do the same things, plus only about 30 of them are in a class. So any sort of difference in interests or skills is amplified, but that changes once you get to the real world. Once you're at university or in the workplace you understand that there are hundreds of thousands like you, the older I get the more I realise that. I'm really not that special. There are loads of people like me, who share the same interests, same stories. All of which might be smarter and more talented than I am. Any thought I might have had, a grand idea, hope or dream just another dreamt up by someone like me or anyone of my peers. Someone who has the skill set and willpower to achieve their goal. Meeting more and more people I really understand this now, maybe I was never that special, maybe I was never that unique, maybe I was never that good.
But this can't be it, can it? How can a simple problem with my university major choice lead to a crisis like this? Because this is the crisis I'm having and have done for most of my life, I just didn't figure it out until now. I hate my degree because I've seen those who've done it before, I don't want to quit, instead taking time to figure it out, but I've seen the people who have done that too. Everywhere I look I see what people have done, only to be forgotten as time passes. Just more faces to pass by on the street. The best part is that I'm not the only one like this, there are countless like me. But what can I do? What can I do to stand out, be different, and get out of this trap? But maybe, it doesn't matter.
I am here. I am here, today, at this moment, existing, writing this thought for the world to see. It doesn't matter if those before me and after make the same declaration. All that matters is that I am here. Here for the world to see what I can do. It doesn't matter that "I was never that good," because it isn't true. All my peers aren't competition, they are just people trying to navigate life like me, they are just as lost as I am. I should focus on what others are doing or have done, I need to understand and make the world see I am a person. That I was here too. That what I do matters, just as much as anyone else achieves. What I need to do is what I want to do, that is my purpose because that's what matters in life to me. I am here, and I do matter. I might never get rid of that feeling of purposeless, however, I will continue to search for the answer. I know I will, and when I do, I'll tell the world that I am here, and this was my purpose.
I know it was this was kinda cringe towards the end, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I really don't know what I want, but I want to know. Even though I didn't say it, this post is heavily inspired by Haruhi, It's actually been about a year since I first watched it. So think of it as an anniversary post.
See ya
