If you aren't aware, people who take arts degrees tend to be obnoxious dicks. Now, not every single person who has ever obtained an arts degree is a dick, far from it. Many great leaders of our time have arts degrees. But a large chunk, and I mean LARGE, are total rich pricks. It might just be me, but I can't stand the way some of them act and look at you. Maybe it's just where I'm from, I think lots of them grew up in the more affluent areas. Now I'm not saying I'm poor, not that would matter. I think it's just where I grew up, who I'm friends with, and so on. Some of the best people I've met at Uni come from similar places where I did. I think it all got a bit much for me and overwhelmed me. As I've alluded to before, and you could probably tell, I have autism. So these people and the total change in atmosphere from high school just got to me, which leads me to my next point.
The Uni work itself fucking terrified me. Having autism my academic skills, particularly my ability to write, are honestly terrible. Well, that was until the last three years of school, thanks to my two English teachers, I improved greatly. To the point where I was able to get into Uni, using just my English skills as well! But as you can probably understand, that's left me with a problem. I'm terrified of failing because of poor English skills. Well maybe not terrible, but I still have those lingering thoughts. So when I showed up on that first day, and was baraded with all these tasks that required my 'sub-par writing skills'. I froze up. And probably like a coward, ran away. I understand now, that blaming that last politics lecture was the wrong move. I thought that was the reason I left, disserting with the idea of pol being taught. But I get it now, I was just scared, and couldn't admit it to anyone, let alone myself. I didn't actively use my old blog at the time so I didn't have this outlet. I've always struggled with telling people my real feelings and hiding them with jokes. So joking about how bad I thought the pol lecture was just a mask, instead, I was just scared. It could have been lazy too? I really don't know, and I'm not going to make excuses.
After I quit it took a little while before the depression set in. I've always been really hard on myself. I hated the idea of failing, I've always wanted to prove to others and myself that I'm capable of doing things, especially academically. I probably had too much weight on myself when I went to Uni, so when I failed and ran away. It was like a truck hit me, I hated myself. I failed. I'm a failure. I'll never amount to anything. Real dark shit, I know. That plus not talking to people anymore, and the situation I was working in really led me to hate myself. It's at this point I started to really get into anime. I'll spare the details, but the reason I love Your name, Haruhi, and especially K-On! so much because I discovered them around this time. Not to sound cringe, but they changed my life. They helped me get over many things, again especially K-On! I really can't stress enough how much K-On! affected and changed me. I rewatched the movie again last night, and I remember why. I think it helped me close the book on high school, I probably wasn't over it yet. Plus so many more things, I could go on.
But going to Uni this time round, I think things will be different. The plan has changed. I'm back now, I feel integrated and have a new purpose. I could probably credit The Wind Rises as well, but that's a story for another day. I know how cringe it is to watch anime, and then go on to learn Japanese. But I don't care. At least I have something to hold onto. That's what I have this time, something to strive for. I still don't know what it is I'm searching for, but I think I'm looking in the right place. I'm still scared of failing, hell yeah. But this time, I won't bow out, this time I want to do it, I need to do it.
See ya
I'm studying Japanese now btw
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