I had a thought today; I regret
high school. Well, the way I went about it. I wish I went more often; I wish I had
spent more time with my friends; and I wish I tried harder during the last few
years. Isn't it weird, to look back on something with the view of the present?
To look at how things turned out and say, "Hey, it could have gone better
if I had done this?" What a strange feeling, regret.
I wish I had gone more often.
Well, this one's easy to explain. I hardly ever went to school, my attendance
was in the mid-80 %, be that class, sports carnivals, or school events. Even
though I did well academically and worked my way up the student leadership
ladder, I was hardly ever there. It's weird now to look back. At the time it
was so easy to take the time off. I would just go the next day, and front the
attacks by disappointed teachers and students. It wasn’t that I was lazy,
I just hated the place. The few demeaning teachers, the repetition of it, and
the inflated and manufactured stress of it all. I just needed time to breathe. Let
it go and forget about it. Like a coward. I let myself indulge in escapism instead
of fronting it. Running away to hide while the world pushed forward. I regret
not going more, to face it. Learn to deal with it, instead of running. I regret
not facing school more. I could have also seen my friends more too.
I wish I had spent more time with
my friends. Some needed context, I have Autism. I know, another Autistic person
with social issues, big whop. So, this might not come as a surprise, I hardly
ever went out. An outing with others could be a half-yearly to yearly thing. It
was so much easier to stay home, it's comfortable and no one annoys me. Plus, I
saw everyone every day at school too. But that’s now the problem. Half the
reason we go out is to make memories and forge experiences with others. But I don’t
have any. I allowed the Autism to get the better of me. I can’t remember all
the times we sat at a lunch table, talking shit. I don’t remember dicking around
in class, and I can’t remember all the drama that seemed like the end of the
world. But I can vividly remember going out camping once in year 11, going to
the city in year 10, and going to my friend’s birthday. But that’s it, that’s all
I have. Everyone else seems to have a treasure trove of experiences from their
teenage years. And I don’t. While everyone was out enjoying their youth, I wasted
it at home because it was “confinable”. It hurts even more now, this year was hard
for me. I carried through with my stay-at-home quota. But without school, I had
no one left. I was alone. I took it all for granted, and now I don’t have a chance
to make those memories, I just took for it all to end for me to realise. I regret
not seeing my friends more at school, but that still isn’t my biggest regret of
all.
I wish I tried harder during the last few years. Though a good student, I should have been better. I think I was because I was too comfortable where I was, I was always around a B-grade student. I should have come home and revisited the day instead of wasting the time. I should have pushed more in subjects I didn’t like, instead of giving up. I shouldn’t have made excuses like the teacher was bad or the test was hard. I wish I could have the time again, to better myself more. But my real gripe is with (the Australian Tertiary Admission Rank) ATAR though. I, really, realllly wish I had taken ATAR. While I still get to university in the end, I wish I pushed myself more to complete it. I should have taken the harder subjects instead of whimpering out because of stress. Look, when it comes to academics, particularly English, I wasn’t dealt the best hand, Autism obviously. It took me until year 7 to fully get BASIC English writing. So, I was already at a disadvantage to my peers, but here’s the thing. I did try. I pushed myself to the limit in ATAR English at first. This was something I wanted to do, to prove to myself that I could. I remember rereading quotes and themes from Fahrenheit 451 before my first test, I still have the book too! I’ll never forget finishing that essay, all to be kicked out of the class right after, for not being good enough. Some teacher. Though I got the last laugh, I passed the test, barely, but passed. Fulfilling to myself that I could do it. But here’s the thing, here my regret takes a weird turn. Because of getting kicked out, I got the two best English teachers I will ever have. Two people who will shape the way I write forever, two people who made me the writer I am today, Two people who are the reason I’m able to go to university, or even write that very essay. Which begs the question, why would I regret not doing ATAR if I benefited from it? While part of me regrets not sticking it though, shouldn’t I be happy if it all worked out?
That question puts everything out of whack, doesn’t it? Why should I regret something that ended up working out? But it's more than that, much more. Why should I, or anyone for that matter, should regret something? Maybe because I’m young and haven’t lived enough yet. But aren’t we the people we are today because of our choices? Regrets and all? Why should we regret the choices of things we did or didn’t do when without them, we wouldn’t be who we are today? Why should I regret not going to school more, when without it? I couldn’t have played the games or watched the movies I did, that shaped me into who I am today. Why should I regret not going out more, when without it, I rediscovered my love for Sonic the Hedgehog in year 7. Without that part of my life. That cold, depressing part when all I could focus on was a fictional blue rat. I wouldn’t have learned to not get absorbed in fictional universes. To not replace my feelings with fictional characters or games. Just to feel empty, when you realise that you have nothing truly real. Why would I regret not trying harder in school, when I was goofing off that led me to discover Friendlyjordies, which would shape my entire view of the world. Changing the way I write, see, and take part in society? Even this very year, I was regretting taking a gap year. But without it, I never would have discovered my lover for K-on at the exact time I needed it. Helping the present me get through this year. So why would I regret all these things, when without them I wouldn’t be the person I am today? Why waste time worrying about things that I can’t change, and only really care because I can see the outcome now? When at the time, those choices seemed like the right ones? I think we too often forget the negative aspects of things in Favor of the rose-tinted glasses. If I could live it again, I wouldn’t change anything. I still would take tough days off, knowing the lessons I could learn and realising the crap school can give us. I still wouldn’t spend the time with friends, knowing that all they did was sit around and smoke weed. And of course, I wouldn’t change my academics. It's easy for the now me to look back at the schoolwork and judge. But the person from nearly three years ago count has done it, no way! And knowing what that choice would lead to, why would I change it? We are all made from regrets, it’s just that we forget what comes after. The new us, the person of now. Born from those choices that another person made. I’m not the same person I was three years ago, no one is. We have different likes dislikes, views, and academic levels. He would barely recognise me, so would I to him. We are always changing into new people, constantly growing and being reborn. Like a phoenix. Only taking fragments of the old with us. Remembering our flaws and improving them. I would be around to finish my university degree either, I’m just a stopgap for another person. I’ll be a different person. And while that person may regret the choices that I make now. But he should know, that without them he wouldn’t exist. And I think that is exciting. Our choices are the arbiter for our future selves, so why would I regret anything? Because I’m here because of those regrets.
See ya.
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