Tomorrow is the future

Alright, I'm just writing this to get something out there. These last 10 days have been a blur. For starters, I went ahead and updated my website again. This time I added more Yui photos, a change log, and cleaned up the code. Plus I used the rest of my K-on! photos to create a Keions page. Overall I'd say the website has been a great success, it's even 2nd ranked on Google! What I wanted from this site was just a place to post a bunch of Yui pictures, mainly to use at those stands at computer stores. Plus a chance to learn HTML. With that in mind, it's worked out well. 

Now, on to more important matters. In just over eight hours I'm leaving for Japan. Very exciting stuff. But that isn't what I want to talk about. You can go read the last post for that stuff. I want to do a brief reflection on the past months of my life because it's been a wild few months. I'll be the first to admit it, I wasn't the happiest person at the start of June. While this may be very selfish of me, I really did hate myself. While yes, my life was going great. I had a well-paying job, going to University the following year, and a perfect home life. I still wasn't enjoying myself. Like I said, selfish. But I don't entirely blame myself. Why? You may ask. Because I did the very thing I feared for years, something that I always knew would happen. 

I failed.

For context, Throughout my last year of school. I worked very, very hard to get ready for University. Eventually, I got into the top Uni in my state, studying History, Japanese, and politics. But I didn't even last a day. I dropped out midway through my first politics lecture. While I had my reasons, I'll get into those later, I always blamed myself. Something you need to know about me is that I'm very hard myself, specifically when I fail. You can imagine what this would have felt like. I despised myself, I was miserable, directionless, and hopeless. This is why I started really watching anime. Up until this point I only had seen a handful of shows and movies. But something changed. Maybe it was my deteriorating mental health, or the fact I had only spoken to four people in two months. But I started really getting into it. Kicking off with watching Suzume in theatres, then Erased On Crunchyroll. I finally found myself really enjoying it. But then I came across something, a studio that Kyoto Animation From Haruhi to Hibike! Euphonium. I was in love. But there was still a gaping hole left unfilled. I felt that I was searching for something. Something that could help me see the whole picture. Which led me to a show about nothing, K-on! Everything in this show is amazing, from its characters, plot, and its perfect ending. It is a masterpiece. I'm not going to get into detail now, but this show and a certain movie changed everything. It gave me clarity. I finally found what I was searching for. This all is weird to say. How a show can really change the way we view the world. As I said in my regret essay. I don't think I'm a failure anymore I wouldn't feel that way if it wasn't for that dumb TV show. Which in itself, is a really dumb statement. This trip is the start of something new. The real next step in my life. I wasn't a failure for quitting University, I'm going back anyway, I just wasn't ready. I still don't know if I am, but we'll find out. 

See ya.

This post is a mess, sorry

Unexpectedyui.com and Japan

Alright,

it nearly took me four hours to complete but it's finally finished. 

https://unexpectedyui.com/

I know what you think. Didn't you just write an essay about regret now you're making a Yui website? Yes. This is something I started thinking about at work today. It's quite simple, the site will randomly select a picture or GIF of Yui and then display it. See, simple! I may in the future add the other K-On! characters as well but for now it's just Yui.

To be honest, I only did it because was feeling creative and didn't feel like writing. I only used the very, very basic knowledge of HTML that I know. But most of the code is from the internet. Hooray for the World Wide Web! Plus I already have a lot of Yui pictures in my React folder, I know it's weird, so I didn't need to go looking.

I can't remember if I've said this not. But I'm headed of to Japan next Sunday. Very exciting stuff. I'm going with my family so I can't totally indulge in weird weeb stuff. But I've got a few cool things planned. Starting with the video game stuff. We're staying in Akihabara, not my choice, so there you already have lots of video games, arcades, and anime stuff as well. Plus I'm hoping to go to Joypolis, Sega's very own theme park/arcade. I've wanted to go there since I was like 13? I think. 

I can't remember if I've said this or not. But I'm headed off to Japan next Sunday. Very exciting stuff. I'm going with my family so I can't totally indulge in weird weeb stuff. But I've got a few cool things planned. Starting with the video game stuff. We're staying in Akihabara, not my choice, so there you already have lots of video games, arcades, and anime stuff as well. Plus I'm hoping to go to Joypolis, Sega's very own theme park/arcade. I've wanted to go there since I was like 13? I think. 

As for anime-related stuff, luckily I scored tickets to both the Ghibli Park and Museum. Like most, I'm a big fan of their stuff. If you remember last week I wrote that short review of the Nausicaa manga. Moving on, I've got a few popup shops that I want to go to Kyoani, Rascal Does Not Dream, and the Permanent Evangelion store. I also wanna check out that 5-storey Animate store, just because I NEED to know why it's 5-levels. Edit: ITS FUCKING 10 LEVELS! HOW! Plus I can get most of my gift shopping out of the way too. 

Now for the real stuff, real-life locations. I've gone ahead and only allowed myself three stops. But what do I choose? First off, Suga shrine, otherwise known as the staircase from Your Name/Kimi no na wa. Standard stuff I know. But I can't not go. Your Name reinvigorated my love for film, It's the catalyst for this trip, and well it's my favourite film of all time. God I love that movie. Next is Nishinomiya and the surrounding area. If there's one anime that will always have a place in my heart, it's probably The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. Kyoani based the anime on the area including the train station, café, school, and more. I just want to check out the train station and café though since it was used so much, thanks endless eight. The café, called the café Dream, has since moved from its original location. But it's still have Haruhi fan's heaven. Plus it could be a nice breakfast. I think there's also a store in Nishinomiya that sells Haruhi-related items, might check that out. Hopefully getting busy for the anniversary, on with Volume 13! On a side note, I've always found it weird that people go to Japanese high schools just because an Anime was based on it. Like bro, you're in your mid-20s and going to some random school. Anyway, my last pick is the school K-On! is based on. Don't worry the Former Toyosato Elementary School is nothing more than a tourist attraction these days, hasn't been a school for years. From what I've seen, they set the place up to look like K-On! The room club room has five seats and a tea set. Kinda weird and cool at the same time. There's also a K-On! museum too! It's weird that this town would do this, but I appreciate it. Well, I wouldn't be going there if it wasn't. It must bring in a lot of tourists who want to pay their respects to the show. As for why I want to go, do I really need to say? It's probably become clear already that I like K-On! From the images at the end of posts, my pfp, and the aforementioned Yui website. I'll try to explain it later, but for reference, I'm listening to Ho-Kago Tea Time right now. That should explain enough. I don't feel bad about going there, like I know it's still a school, even though it hasn't seen students in years. But doesn't that make it cooler? Like image if your former school was now a museum and gathering place for a tv-show. Plus the site itself is beautiful, built in the 1930s and designed by an American. And I'd rather go than regret not going because I know I will. 

To be honest with you, I'm only really going to these places because I'm in the area. I'm going to be spending the first few days in Tokyo so that covers the Your Name Stairs. I didn't realise how close Nishinomiya was to Osaka, and I don't have plans there. As for Toyosato, yes it's a little bit out of the way. But I'll make it work. 

Wrapping up now, I'll be gone for two and a half weeks but I still plan to write. I'm bringing my computer and camera to take photos to put on here. Before you ask, a REAL camera, not my phone. I'm really going for that 2009 blog. Anyway, this has been fun as always. Remember to check out my new website unexpectedyui.com. 

See ya.

Me and my K-On! reacts

Regret

I had a thought today; I regret high school. Well, the way I went about it. I wish I went more often; I wish I had spent more time with my friends; and I wish I tried harder during the last few years. Isn't it weird, to look back on something with the view of the present? To look at how things turned out and say, "Hey, it could have gone better if I had done this?" What a strange feeling, regret. 

I wish I had gone more often. Well, this one's easy to explain. I hardly ever went to school, my attendance was in the mid-80 %, be that class, sports carnivals, or school events. Even though I did well academically and worked my way up the student leadership ladder, I was hardly ever there. It's weird now to look back. At the time it was so easy to take the time off. I would just go the next day, and front the attacks by disappointed teachers and students. It wasn’t that I was lazy, I just hated the place. The few demeaning teachers, the repetition of it, and the inflated and manufactured stress of it all. I just needed time to breathe. Let it go and forget about it. Like a coward. I let myself indulge in escapism instead of fronting it. Running away to hide while the world pushed forward. I regret not going more, to face it. Learn to deal with it, instead of running. I regret not facing school more. I could have also seen my friends more too.

I wish I had spent more time with my friends. Some needed context, I have Autism. I know, another Autistic person with social issues, big whop. So, this might not come as a surprise, I hardly ever went out. An outing with others could be a half-yearly to yearly thing. It was so much easier to stay home, it's comfortable and no one annoys me. Plus, I saw everyone every day at school too. But that’s now the problem. Half the reason we go out is to make memories and forge experiences with others. But I don’t have any. I allowed the Autism to get the better of me. I can’t remember all the times we sat at a lunch table, talking shit. I don’t remember dicking around in class, and I can’t remember all the drama that seemed like the end of the world. But I can vividly remember going out camping once in year 11, going to the city in year 10, and going to my friend’s birthday. But that’s it, that’s all I have. Everyone else seems to have a treasure trove of experiences from their teenage years. And I don’t. While everyone was out enjoying their youth, I wasted it at home because it was “confinable”. It hurts even more now, this year was hard for me. I carried through with my stay-at-home quota. But without school, I had no one left. I was alone. I took it all for granted, and now I don’t have a chance to make those memories, I just took for it all to end for me to realise. I regret not seeing my friends more at school, but that still isn’t my biggest regret of all.

I wish I tried harder during the last few years. Though a good student, I should have been better. I think I was because I was too comfortable where I was, I was always around a B-grade student. I should have come home and revisited the day instead of wasting the time. I should have pushed more in subjects I didn’t like, instead of giving up. I shouldn’t have made excuses like the teacher was bad or the test was hard. I wish I could have the time again, to better myself more. But my real gripe is with (the Australian Tertiary Admission Rank) ATAR though. I, really, realllly wish I had taken ATAR. While I still get to university in the end, I wish I pushed myself more to complete it. I should have taken the harder subjects instead of whimpering out because of stress. Look, when it comes to academics, particularly English, I wasn’t dealt the best hand, Autism obviously. It took me until year 7 to fully get BASIC English writing. So, I was already at a disadvantage to my peers, but here’s the thing. I did try. I pushed myself to the limit in ATAR English at first. This was something I wanted to do, to prove to myself that I could. I remember rereading quotes and themes from Fahrenheit 451 before my first test, I still have the book too! I’ll never forget finishing that essay, all to be kicked out of the class right after, for not being good enough. Some teacher. Though I got the last laugh, I passed the test, barely, but passed. Fulfilling to myself that I could do it. But here’s the thing, here my regret takes a weird turn. Because of getting kicked out, I got the two best English teachers I will ever have. Two people who will shape the way I write forever, two people who made me the writer I am today, Two people who are the reason I’m able to go to university, or even write that very essay. Which begs the question, why would I regret not doing ATAR if I benefited from it? While part of me regrets not sticking it though, shouldn’t I be happy if it all worked out?

That question puts everything out of whack, doesn’t it? Why should I regret something that ended up working out? But it's more than that, much more. Why should I, or anyone for that matter, should regret something? Maybe because I’m young and haven’t lived enough yet. But aren’t we the people we are today because of our choices? Regrets and all? Why should we regret the choices of things we did or didn’t do when without them, we wouldn’t be who we are today? Why should I regret not going to school more, when without it? I couldn’t have played the games or watched the movies I did, that shaped me into who I am today. Why should I regret not going out more, when without it, I rediscovered my love for Sonic the Hedgehog in year 7. Without that part of my life. That cold, depressing part when all I could focus on was a fictional blue rat. I wouldn’t have learned to not get absorbed in fictional universes. To not replace my feelings with fictional characters or games. Just to feel empty, when you realise that you have nothing truly real. Why would I regret not trying harder in school, when I was goofing off that led me to discover Friendlyjordies, which would shape my entire view of the world. Changing the way I write, see, and take part in society? Even this very year, I was regretting taking a gap year. But without it, I never would have discovered my lover for K-on at the exact time I needed it. Helping the present me get through this year. So why would I regret all these things, when without them I wouldn’t be the person I am today? Why waste time worrying about things that I can’t change, and only really care because I can see the outcome now? When at the time, those choices seemed like the right ones? I think we too often forget the negative aspects of things in Favor of the rose-tinted glasses. If I could live it again, I wouldn’t change anything. I still would take tough days off, knowing the lessons I could learn and realising the crap school can give us. I still wouldn’t spend the time with friends, knowing that all they did was sit around and smoke weed. And of course, I wouldn’t change my academics. It's easy for the now me to look back at the schoolwork and judge. But the person from nearly three years ago count has done it, no way! And knowing what that choice would lead to, why would I change it? We are all made from regrets, it’s just that we forget what comes after. The new us, the person of now. Born from those choices that another person made. I’m not the same person I was three years ago, no one is. We have different likes dislikes, views, and academic levels. He would barely recognise me, so would I to him. We are always changing into new people, constantly growing and being reborn. Like a phoenix. Only taking fragments of the old with us. Remembering our flaws and improving them. I would be around to finish my university degree either, I’m just a stopgap for another person. I’ll be a different person. And while that person may regret the choices that I make now. But he should know, that without them he wouldn’t exist. And I think that is exciting. Our choices are the arbiter for our future selves, so why would I regret anything? Because I’m here because of those regrets. 

See ya.

Damm, that took two hours, I'm exhausted

Late night rambles

Ok, i'm just writing this just want to keep this blog up to date. The good news is that i'm going to Japan in three weeks and i'm really, really looking forward to it. But I have this weird relationship with that country. I'm going to be learning the language in uni, but it kinda feels wrong? idk, it just feels like i'm become one of those Japan obsessed weirdos, i mean i have a k-on pfp. But at the same time, shouldn't i purse something I like? Is it wrong to want something? Idk, I would rather be called a weirdo because i'm white with no Japanese or Asian heritage who know the language, then just sit around here doing nothing. I'll do it, and I don't care what people say about me. At the end of the day, its better to do something than nothing. Even if that something can be questionable, except if its illegal or fucking weird. 

Other news, I finish the Nausicaa manga today. It's very good. I mean, very, very, really, super, amazingly good. My thoughts are jumbled on it so this won't make sense if you haven't read it. But, I love the end. Its weird to say since so many people online may call it horrible, or pessimistic. But I think Hideaki Anno is right, it's very hopeful. The simple idea of just living is very inspiring and refreshing. In a world when most stories end in a definite, happy or sad ending. The Nausicaa manga stands out as a modern day parable. Nausicaa chose to live as we do today. The crypt present hopeful, but ultimately depressing future. Where yes, humanity can live again, but only to repeat his own mistakes. either by using the technology of the crypt or not, like the Doroks and Tolmekians. The concept of the crypt itself was the issue with humanity. We think we can control ever, from the plant around us, the creatures on the earth, and even our own rebirth. We think we are Gods, creating the sea of corruption and changing the animals, even ourselves, to suit the planets rebirth. When should have always taken the real issue, control. Thought the book, many people, and factions tried to take control of the world though war or coups. But Nausicaa ways remained still, allowing the world around her to take control. Only interfering when life itself was at risk. That I believed was the point. To protect life, and just live. Thats what Nausicaa did when she destroyed the crypt. When took control of the world away from man, and let life take course Just like we do every day. You and me both don't have full control of our lives. We let the world around us take course and we can spend all way worrying about what the future may hold, but all we can do is just live. Right here, right now. And I think that's a wonderful thing, that life is worth living even though we might not have full control of it. 

See ya.

Its 11:38 and I need to get up at 5:30, I need to sleep.