Brand New Day

Well, I'm back. 

And it's a good day. Since my last post on July 4th, a lot has happened. I'm ok with Uni as well as my mental health. I'll discuss both.

Firstly, with uni. I decided to not pursue engineering. To be truthful, I wasn't feeling it; the thought was always in the back of my mind that I wouldn't go ahead with it. But I didn't have the courage to go ahead and say it. All I needed was to fail three units and be put on probation to say anything. I'll address the elephant in the room. I failed both Japanese units and my chemistry unit. As a result, I was put on probation for this semester. I went to campus to ask what that means and apparently, it's a warning to get my shit together. To get rid of it I need to pass 2/3 (I'm doing three units this sem) of my units this semester to get rid of it. But I should pass all of them, just in case you know? Thankfully, it won't affect my future studies. 

I decided to be an urban planner. I don't think I've said that yet. I want to be able to design cities, design places where people can live, work, shop, and play. I know it's a bit predictable to say, but I really like the way Japanese cities are designed. To be fair, I've spent a while walking around them. But before I start that, I need to do an undergrad in architecture, which is what I started this semester. It's a bit scary to start again, again. But I'm hoping this might fit me more. It's more about finishing projects rather than tests. So hopefully that might be better for me. It also gives me another opportunity to study in Japan again. Like before, I would like to study in Kobe. I feel like going to somewhere I'm familiar with would be really good for me. Plus, it's in a really central place. If not, Tokyo would be great. 

I think I'll write another post about my mental health, it's in a really difficult place right now, and I have lots of thoughts. But for now, I'm glad I can start fresh again. Brand new start. I'll talk about the rest later.

See ya

I'll be doing lots of drawing with architecture

I've failed

I've failed. Like the big time this time. I failed three of my four units at uni and I've been put on probation. Which I think means that I've been suspended for 12 months. I think. Tbh, I'm in the middle of nowhere, so I can't see. I was at a rest stop and I lost my shit. Like the dumb shit autistic spaz I am. It's all my fault. All of it. I was too stupid, didn't study enough, and focused on the wrong things. Everything I've done in the last six months has been a disaster. Even though I've made gains in my social life, my academics have collapsed. I don't know what I should do. I'm not depressed because I'm not lonely anymore, but I didn't manage myself correctly and put my future at risk. On the other hand, last year my grades were good, but I hated myself and had no one like in 2023. I don't know what I should do. Should I go back to last year? Tbh, I miss it a bit. The freedom, the drive I had, that feeling I needed to prove myself. But that deep gut feeling like I was missing out on something. That idea that I've been chasing since 2023. I still feel it sometimes. So maybe I should do that if I'm allowed to, though. 

I don't what what I should do. Maybe it's this place but I feel like I'm getting worse with my autism. It's just compounding. Everything around me. I'll be honest this has been going on since January. Which might explain my results a bit. But I want a reset. I need one. Maybe a year off might help. I do nothing. No social life, Labor, clubs, dating. Only work and home. Like before. Even six months will do. I need to rethink some things. When I was in my jap exam I was thinking I needed a total reset. Of everything.

 

 I'll be honest as well, I don't think I should be a civil engineer. I don't know enough about it and to be frank I don't think I'm smart enough too. I just went with it to make people happy. So this could be the break I needed. I like town planning. I like organising things. Building a society. An engineer doesn't do that. I'll have to read and ask around about it. At least I have connections in the govt I can ask for help.

As for just then. It was gross. I just hate myself soo fucking much, I can't help myself but get rid of my feelings in any way I can. Everything around me is building up, and I try and protect myself and bundle myself in. But I just exploded. I hit myself because I think I deserve it. I run away because I don't want me.  Because I know people hate me. It's like in Japan in January, I spent days by myself because I thought people hated me. I even wrote about it, though I don't think I published it anywhere. I'm just so sick of myself. I don't deserve anything I get because I'm such a bad person. I always end out hurting everyone around me. Sometimes I think I should be one of those people who lock themselves away from everything. Then I can't screw anything up. 

I'm bad at everything I do. Socially I always end up fucking up. Saying something stupid because I have no filter. Or exploding and everyone leaves me, rightfully so I don't blame them. I can't do well at uni work. I need to work twice as hard and still fail. Labor I feel like an idiot most days. And the social stuff comes into play. Work I fuck up and get upset, when I was working full time I hated myself for it. And if I went back now, it would be much worse because this time I really failed. And if it wasn't for my dad I probably wouldn't have a job. Because I couldn't keep one for more than a month. I act like such a dickhead saying I can do everything because I know I can't. Because I know how dumb I can be, how socially inept, and emotionally immature. I act like the person I want to be like, but it's not who I am. And who I am has caught up to me.

My parents. I feel so bad for them. Sometimes I think I'm too much of a burden for them, that they'll be stuck with me for like. I don't think I can ever move out. I don't know if I can't. Like today, I was with them when all this uni stuff happened. I made them so fucking embarrassed. I can't do anything. I make everything so worse for them. I'm a failure. They try so hard for me. Like dad does so much for me and I still act like this. 

Even reading this makes me hate myself; it's just gibberish self-pity. Nothing productive. Nothing of worth. Endless self-hatred nonsense. I want a break from everything.

I'm finished

 I can't do it anymore. I've reached my breaking point. I cant study because i'm too stressed, but if I don't study I stress. I need the cycle to break. I'm weeks behind in work, I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't focus. I need help. I can't go to uni anymore I'm too stressed out. It takes too long to get there. I have too many comitments with clubs and the party. I've cooked myself. I'm scared that I'm going to fail. I don't know what to do. 

K-On! Monday! 66

HELLO!! ITS K-ON! MONDAY! 

Because I can't stay long, I'll show off one of the best K-On! related things I own. My K-On! Watch!

I'll go into how I got it next week, but for now know that it took a bit of searching to get; and it wasnt cheap. Have a good week

See ya 

This watch sucked to take a photo of

K-On! Monday 65?

 Well, it's been a week huh? 

I'll explain tomorrow but in short, the room I keep all the K-On! stuff in right now is a mess. I don't use it much so I left it to go to shit. Plus uni is killing me right now. 

I'm actually going to get a K-On! Poster tomorrow so I'll post it when I get it. Anyway sorry about the short post, I thought it be best to get something out before I left the blog abandoned. Here is some photos from Kyoani's office as an apology. These were taken at the start of the year, Enjoy!

See ya